A few days ago I got on a fairly crowded bus (“Use Public Transportation” is a post for another time) and a young black man leapt to his feet to give me his seat. I started to protest, but he’d already moved down the aisle so I dutifully sat. But his exchange started the usual whirl of thoughts. “Do I look that old?” “Is this a black/white legacy?” “Surely I don’t look that old!!” “And why me of all the people standing?” “I guess I can’t give up my seat.”

It also reminded me of a similar incident a few of months ago when I talked a guy out of giving me his seat, but the young woman behind him wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. “I’m getting off right away,” she said—which, by the way, wasn’t true, although I think she got off before I did.

I don’t know about you, but somewhere, somehow, I have missed the gift (yes, the gift) of receiving. It began when my mother-in-law gave me red, one-piece polyester “jump shorts” the first Christmas of our marriage. Cute in style, but I don’t usually like “cute” and the material had an embossed, same color pattern that to my 21 year old eyes (yup – married young) looked incredibly tacky. Somehow I shared how I felt with her. She never gave me clothes again. Heck, I’m pretty sure she avoided giving me or my children (yes, her grandchildren) anything personal from that time on.

Then, there was the time I mentioned that the single roses a friend frequently gave me on perfect occasions always wilted within a day, thinking he’d evaluate the source. He just never gave me a rose again. Even when someone gives me something I think is perfect I don’t get it quite right. When my partner gave me my dream ring, nearly his first words were, “I knew you wouldn’t wear it!” (I’d taken it off to cook.)

I know children who delight in any gift whether penny candy or a new phone. As a result, people love to give them things. But while I think I love presents, there is something in my reception of them that often rings false.

And that’s for the “good stuff.” For all of us, I assume, there is the “loot” that appears that we all wish would go away: one more necktie, candy when you’re on a diet, the gift card from the store you’re boycotting, the jacket three sizes too big (or small). We joke about re-gifting but that often isn’t an option if the gift is from family or a close friend. Or despite yourself you “honestly” blurt out what you really did with it (“I knew you wouldn’t mind that I accidentally ‘dropped’ it in the middle of Times Square!”)

Stores offer gift receipts that somehow never get packed with gifts you don’t want. Plus I live in fear of encountering someone who believes that if you admire something they should give it to you. (“I love that dress ON YOU…” So far that’s worked. Most of the time.)

But all these reactions aren’t the point, really. When I started writing this post, I thought that the main point was that accepting gifts isn’t about you or me. And it isn’t about the item offered, either. I thought I was coming to realize that the important point was simply that the gifts were given. At that moment. And in that context, it was important to the giver that a gift, that gift, be given. I was so sure of this that I didn’t even search on Google for “accept gifts” until I thought this post was finished. Then I checked Google and was surprised to see that “accept gifts graciously” appeared with multiple links. And many of these links agree with this idea.

So I’m not the only one who believes that gifts are given because the person wants to connect in some way. People present gifts because you’re leaving a job and they don’t know what to say. It is the drink someone wants to share, whether you want one or not, because they need to talk. It is the love of tradition during the holidays and on birthdays where merely having things to unwrap represents the ritual of the day. It’s offering you a seat on the bus because that’s what one does. There are also the gifts you get just because you gave one (we’ll talk about the giving part another time). You can add more.

However I realize that this logic ignores things we’ve already explored. For one it ignores the importance of giving thanks, that simple ritual so basic to changing the world. (Some of the Google links do share that.) But I think that even more important is that, at the moment you are offered that truly horrible gift, you are willing to be wrong in thinking the gift is horrible or unneeded, and so, learn something about yourself. Let us suppose that at that moment, whatever it is that is being given to you is exactly what you need—even though you had not thought so before. Can you see it? Perhaps you suddenly realize how important it is to support the giver. Perhaps the gift is telling you something about the giver that it is important for you know. Perhaps you realize the gift is really one of inclusion as you honestly thank someone for bringing that piece of cake by your desk (the one that you then have to figure out how to throw away without anyone seeing). Perhaps you need to stop thinking you should and can provide everything for yourself.

But how else does “accepting gifts” change our world? There are at least two things to consider on accepting them and I’m betting there are more than that. First, see the additional possibilities or information in the gift. If you received 10 more neckties, could it be a weaving or a collage—a brand new piece of art? At the age of 21, what my mother-in-law did not know was that I felt embarrassed wearing red. That color was much too bold. Since then I’ve learned it is one of the very best colors for me to wear, and I think she knew that. Might I have learned that about myself sooner if I had really seen my mother-in-law’s gift? Creativity. Insight. Information.

The second challenge found through accepting gifts is to see the world as abundant. It is through abundance that positive change can occur. We are challenged to see the world as a place of more neckties than we need, delicious food to share, and outfits that expand the possibilities for, well, everything. Realizing this abundance is one of the core components of how Spirit Moxie works. It is only in the overflow that new (and for us positive) patterns can be born.

Meanwhile, maybe you’ve always understood how to “accept gifts” in the right way. If so could you please share tips with the rest of us? For on a deep level accepting a gift changes us, the recipients, and on an even deeper level it will always change the world. At the very least, maybe you’ll get lucky on that crowded bus and get a seat.

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Photo credits from the top:

Birthday present with a bow — shorts and longs —Julie Rybarczyk
The perfect ring — Spirit Moxie
Tie collection: “a strangling of ties” ?— rjp (zimipenfish)
Bus seats — Spirit Moxie