Don’t Take Things Personally

Posted on February 4, 2022 by B

Of all the little things that can change you and the world, this might indeed be number one. Personal here seems to almost always mean criticism, although when we’re lucky, it is instead validation. Either way, taking words and actions personally gets entwined in our thoughts and emotions.

It’s all very well to be told not to take things personally, but we’re completely wired to do just that. After all, to relate everything to ourselves is one of the keys to surviving. I, myself, am prone to seek approval about how I look and what I do and to think that such approval is essential to my well being. Perhaps it is. But when we look at this “don’t take things personally” statement, which I hear from many people I consider wise, I need to wonder whether I’m wrong. In other word, maybe other people’s reactions to me aren’t the best way to be validated.

Really, Sedgwick? How can this be true?

Let’s look at some big picture examples of people’s reactions to comments and actions. Often (I’m willing to allow it isn’t 100% true) when we personally react negatively to someone, that reaction is be a reflection of something we don’t like about ourselves. If I’m honest, there is always something, maybe a fear, that somehow I might do whatever that negative thing is. I might look frumpy, be inconsiderate, overreact, or ruin something for someone else, too. So doesn’t it follow that other’s reactions to us can be in some way a reflection of themselves? That means that what they say is really about them.

Of course our reaction to others does affect them, and their reactions affect us. We really are energetically wired to one another whether we want to be or not. This is basic brain science. Our brains are wired to keep us safe. How others react to us and to their environment affects our own area of safety.* So how can those interactions not be personal?

So, what’s going on when I tell strangers that I like their hair? Is their reaction about me or a reflection of them? Perhaps the person I’ve complimented just looks at me as if I have two heads. Or ignores me. Perhaps they smile. Their reaction isn’t the point. The point is, for our purposes here, that I noticed and liked something much more than how they received my compliment. The point is that I remembered to share something I appreciated with someone else. And so, when I get a compliment about me, that compliment is really about them, which doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. Their words just aren’t, when I really pay attention, essential to my happiness or self image.

On the other side, what if I’m told by someone to keep my voice down? Am I too loud? The most useful response is that their comment is simply information. I can take their words as criticism and beat myself up about them, which doesn’t help anyone, or I can hear their words as simply something I need to pay attention to. Or not. Maybe I decide loud is appropriate right then. Their words are their reaction, not my action.

If you don’t like my shirt and I do or you don’t understand my writing and someone else loves it or no one loves it, but what I write makes sense to me, is that negative response criticism? Is the critique about me? Well, if I’m trying to communicate, their words are probably useful information. But words don’t have a value judgement component unless I give that value to them.

The truth is that people don’t think about us. Really. Or if they do think about us, their thoughts bolster their standards of how the world should show up; their expectations of how we should act and what we should look like. Again, look at your own obsessions about others actions or appearance.

I’m a mom who gets into critical mode about those I love. But really, all I can do is love them. Any change will or won’t happen through them. All I can do is be me. I can donate or volunteer for a cause, but the impact of those actions is nothing I can control. As I said yesterday (really), “I’ve learned the only person I can change is myself.” I can feel reassured that change is possible because I have changed. I’ve read my old journals, which is a little mind blowing, and, in my mind, proves that it must be possible for others to change as well. But change is in the other person’s court, so to speak. It won’t occur because of anything I do or say.

Two quotations that challenged me on this topic are:

“The way that other people judge me is none of my business.” – Martha Beck

“It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine.” – Byron Katie

A Google search on this idea provides books and multiple quotations, so I’m not sure where it originated, but if I’m honest, “what others think of me is none of my business” is freeing. Maybe frustrating. Certainly challenging. A work in progress.

So, play with not taking things personally. Can you see it as a little way to change the world? Can you explore it as a big way to change yours?

_____________________

Notes: *7 1/2 Lessons About the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett

Images from the top:
Cartoon from For Redemption Press One… by Bill Martin (Cincinnati: Forward Movement) – out of print
40 years of B’s Journals (some missing?) – Spirit Moxie
Quotation from Big Magic: creative living beyond fear by Elizabeth Gilbert

(All book links are Spirit Moxie’s links to Amazon . They don’t affect the cost of the books)

Talk to Others

Posted on October 31, 2021 by B

“Oh, I’m a writer. How would you answer the question, ‘what little thing would make a difference if everyone did it?’”

I’m exploring another part of the United States to see if I’m supposed to live there. One of my tests of a city is to get a manicure. This place, around the corner from where I’m staying, lured me in with a great sandwich board that listed low prices that were probably true once. My nail tech, who was chatty and thorough and doing all the get to know you inquiries such as “what do you do?”, thoughtfully looked at my question. “People just need to talk to each other. Like you wished the woman who just left a good day. And our conversation here.” (She admitted to having been shy as a child— a sharp contrast to this outgoing woman who managed this salon.)

So, I’ve been thinking about her suggestion and am realizing she was right. It’s so obvious that “talking to people” really hadn’t been on my list of little things we can do to change the world.

A few days ago I set out to finally meet some people here (a MeetUp event) and somehow got on the wrong streetcar. Which meant that I never did connect with the group, despite the fairly generous meeting time. I even went to a local brewery where they were supposed to be gathering after the event. Nope. No one was there by that name or description. Finally, because all the tables were taken, I asked if I could sit down where there was only one person so I could put down my beer and try texting. “Ah,” the young woman said. “I’ve been watching you. Sure.” The text was answered to say the MeetUp host wasn’t there, but my new table mate and I talked as I finally got something to eat. I learned she was becoming a physician assistant and she ended up hearing about Spirit Moxie, reading some of my poems, and following Spirit Moxie on Instagram. Little things that were exactly right for the evening.

Yes “talk to people” is related to listening to each other as we’ve written elsewhere, but where and how does a simple question or just a comment change things? “Where is the recycling place?” “Do you know if that door is unlocked?” “Love your hair.” “Would you pick out three peaches for me?” as a request at the farmer’s market. (FYI – think I got better quality that way too.)

On a bigger scale talking also helps us find truth and clarity. That’s a gentle way of saying that gossip hurts everyone and that we make assumptions in all of our relationships. Our words, our questions, our willingness to acknowledge to ourselves that we can be wrong, inform our own integrity which, I think, is integral to our health and wholeness.

Why add “to people” in this little thing? Personally, I probably talk to animals more than people (which is one reason I have a story of a goat following me in New Orleans). Plus, I talk to trees (a poetry book on this will be available soon), and, when frustrated, I argue with inanimate objects such as my computer. People are harder to talk to unless I already know them — and even then I am often just polite about it with some sort of superficial greeting. However, when I do really talk (and listen), magic happens.

What happens when you don’t talk to others? What did you really, really want that you didn’t receive simply because you didn’t ask? Is there a place within your own integrity that says, “If only I’d said something” about a situation? I’m mixed on some of the last piece because I’ve sometimes said something, and it was the wrong something. But I know we have to at least acknowledge these times to ourselves.When did you stay unclear about a situation because of not talking?

Exploring actually talking (remember I know almost no one where I am right now) has changed the way I look at my interactions and really has made my life easier. It’s presented a possible new place to live, got the TV where I’m staying to work, and made shopping more straightforward. It’s also allowed a bartender to share his love of wine, let someone else rhapsodize on their love of trees, and provoked an exchange about current writing projects. All in the past few days.

So watch. Listen. Talk. Obvious or not, see how what you say changes how the world shows up for you and your place in it, and how those words seem to affect those around you.

_________________________________

All photos by Spirit Moxie

The new pedicure
Peaches
Trees and a dog

Delight

Posted on May 25, 2021 by B

Be grateful.

We repeatedly run into references, share links and memes, and seek out the statistics around the benefits of being thankful. Gratitude changes how we experience the world, promotes happiness, and increases effectiveness. And that’s just for starters, so they say.

Recently I’ve been thinking about an advanced form of gratitude, with no statistics and no predictability such as you get with my usual suggested exercise of listing five things you are grateful for. We’ve practiced those, or at least been told we should practice them. However, as I’ve been “doing my gratitude practice,” which sounds almost boring as a mandate (although it really isn’t when one does it), I’ve realized the words “thanks” and “grateful” are limiting in day to day experiences.

There is another dimension, an expansion if you will. I am grateful for rain. We “need” it. I won’t have to water our new forsythias. In some parts of the country, people are simply thankful that water flows into reservoirs and streams or that the forest has an extra layer of dampness. But is “grateful” the right word for our feeling of thanks for how a Spring rain smells? Or how raindrops sound on the roof? The distinction I’m now making is that while I may be grateful I can hear and smell the rain, when I actually notice the sound and smell of rain I’m really experiencing delight. Loving the smell. Enjoying the sound.

By paying attention, you can begin to play with delight as a distinction. As you notice what is happening on top of, so to speak, your gratitude, you can actually claim delight. Try this as an extended practice of noticing or as a component of being present. What are the elements of something you like that take you beyond just being thankful for whatever it is in itself?

Once you start playing with the word delight, you will find that sometimes an experience of it will just appear. You are just walking along or cruising the internet or cooking dinner. Suddenly you feel a lightness in your heart or you smile in unexpected happiness. This delight catches you off guard. This is the delight you can’t scientifically look for as a verbal distinction as we did in the above paragraph. Why did I feel delight when I noticed my housemate’s artist aprons hanging on the door? They suddenly just brought joy. Or walking by a neighbor’s yard and seeing her planter on a tree. Was it inviting summer? And mushrooms? There they were! And the feeling wasn’t there when I found some others to photograph as an image for this post. (Later I did find one of the original ones and that is the picture I am using.) Or cruising Facebook and learning that a baby platypus is sometimes called a puggle, a word to delight in all by itself, even if a bit of research gives “puggle” some other uses and platypus babies some other names.

As you continue to notice, you might discover delight can go deeper. On one of my first Uber rides in over a year, my driver took a small morsel of food out and explained it was the right time to break his fast for Ramadan. This was unexpected and I felt honored to be a witness, to be included in this multi-cultural world. In one action my world expanded. And I was delighted.

In the past few months I’ve heard many people say that they seek joy. One way to claim joy is to be open to it showing up (it really is that simple). Since I’ve started this distinction about delight, I’ve been pleasantly caught off guard. For me, a component of delight is joy. And it goes both ways. Feeling joy is one way I recognized delight and so name it.

A lightness of heart. Being suddenly brought to a standstill. A smile. What “symptoms” do you associate with delight? Think about it. Where did you last find delight? Was it unexpected? Recognizing and claiming delight is one of the unsung features of being present, calm, and productive.

I’d love to know how you experience delight. For me, right now, just exploring how we encounter it is well, a delight!

Join me.

______________________

All photos by Spirit Moxie. From the top:

Basket on neighbor’s tree
Artist aprons on door
Unexpected mushroom

Being Heard

Posted on March 8, 2021 by B

I’ve shared Spirit Moxie on the radio and on television – albeit just locally. But a few days ago I was privileged to share information about Spirit Moxie internationally as part of an inspiring podcast originating in Scotland. The conversation encompassed smiling, sleep, and listening, all topics in Moxie Moves. Then, in the middle of the listening piece, where I talk about actually hearing people, my host asked matter of factly, “Tell us why it’s important to be heard.”

Say, what?

There are many gifts that come with living in the present, but one way it manifests for me is that I seldom consider how something benefits me. When the host asked this question, I knew it was lovely to be heard. Psychologically, it helps one process angst, trauma, and grief. Plus personally I find being understood — so certainly heard — seductive, although others think this is threatening. So it is an individual case.

However this wasn’t how I was processing the question. What I was hearing from the interviewer was, why does “my” being heard matter to the collective whole? How does it change the world?

After a few days of mulling this over, I decided that my response is two-fold. First being heard matters to us as individuals. Not only are there complex psychological benefits such as those mentioned above, but the stronger and happier we are individually the better we can interact and the more we personally can make a difference. Being heard validates us and even if we believe the “I’m not good enough” fear within us, being heard without being judged is affirming and liberating. It is the place of knowing we have an impact, where we know know things do matter.

The second reason that being heard matters is a bit more complex: just the act of your being heard actually matters and changes, in a good way, the world. “Who, me?” you ask. Yes! Remember that there is no one like you. You are completely unique. You are also part of the global community, a piece of the whole. Your voice is distinctively yours, and if it isn’t heard the world loses something. In our extreme desire for individuality, being heard confirms that, yes, we are individuals, but like it or not we are part of something a lot larger: a quilt, a map, an expansion of the collective unconscious or, more dramatically in my experience, what is called zeitgeist (time spirit).

So when you listen, hear others. And when you are heard, be grateful. That action is also changing the world.

___________________________

Logo for Fancy a Blether Listen to the podcast here!

Photos from the top:

Hand holding microphone — Mark Stucker
Globe — Sarah Margree

Care for Your Body

Posted on February 1, 2021 by B

Last Wednesday I fell. I tripped in the same place I tripped a little over a year ago when I fractured my arm. This time, the damage was just an impressive set of scrapes on my face, hands, and knee. Often, I joke that my dependence on pockets, rather than carrying a purse, is “small boy syndrome.” I now look like small boy syndrome personified.

The immediate learning from this fall was, “B, you weren’t being present. So, we’ll remind you how important presence is.” But as I’ve been healing, I’ve had another thought. Care of our bodies is as central as presence is to how we affect the world.”Take Care of Your Body” is on the original list of “100 things that can change the world” (the set of “What if everyone…” ideas placed on index cards that began Spirit Moxie). Oh, we’ve written about parts of physical self-care: brush your teeth; wash your hands, etc. And I added “Sleep” to the contents of our book Moxie Moves: 10 easy ways to make a powerful difference. A segment called “Love Your Body” is both online at SpiritMoxie.com and in the book, but what I’m talking about in this post is a whole different challenge, albeit related. Care as central has been missing.

What does “take care of your body” mean? How does that contribute to changing the world? The most obvious reason might simply be that in order to change the world, in order to do any of the little things we talk about as Spirit Moxie, it is easier when you feel well. How do you do any of these things when you are ill, when your body hurts, or when you just feel non-functional? Think about it. We manifest as bodies, despite all the ego’s emphasis on mind and spirit. Which means our bodies are our built in responsibility. In fact, they are more our responsibility than is our obligation to others. (For those of you who just cringed and started thinking about your responsibility for children, for partners, for parents, or to your job, remember that when we care for ourselves, our care of others and our ability to get things done becomes easier and more effective. Really.)

The challenge then becomes knowing how “care for your body” manifests itself. I can’t answer that one for you. The Conversations listed above are pretty universal, but, as someone who can obnoxiously see both sides of almost anything, I know universals are sometimes dangerous. If you are diabetic, care of your body probably involves monitoring your blood sugar. But if you aren’t, that probably isn’t even something you think about. We talk about exercise, but that shows up completely differently for different people. There is the person training for a competitive athletic event, my friend’s 5-days-a-week workout challenge, and my personal hope for warmer weather so I can walk more regularly. Right now, care for my body involves putting antibiotic ointment and some stuff that should help prevent scarring on my skin at least twice a day. Before last week, I was using only some lotion and sunscreen.

Is what you are doing actually “care”? Well, pay attention. Before you get up in the morning, do a mental scan and see how your body feels. Ask (yes, really) what it needs. For instance, food. Your diet and mine are probably very different. We hear of everything from raw food or vegan to I’ll eat anything, preferably in moderation. The real question is how does what you are eating make you feel? Tired or energized?

Have you had a medical checkup lately? Even more importantly, have you found health practitioners who pay attention to what you know about your body and who are committed to your living your best self? (Yes, there really are doctors and other practitioners like that.)

This Conversation is mainly questions. Or maybe just one question. How do you take care of your body? The first step is to pay attention. The second is to do the care, knowing it empowers your ability to change the world.

What’s on your list? Share. Do it.

___________________________________________

All images are by Spirit Moxie – from the top

Skinned knee
Care checklist (for fun)

Book link is a Spirit Moxie affiliate link

Wear a Mask

Posted on August 19, 2020 by B

Who knew that some “little things that can change the world” could actually descend upon us, rather than just arise from thoughtful conversations over coffee or wine, or during discussions about Spirit Moxie—(you know someone asks, “What’s Spirit Moxie?” You answer, “Well, you know those things that if only everyone did them the world would be a better place? How would you answer that?” Long pause and then wisdom. Always.)

Masks for sale But, with the COVID-19 guidelines, washing your hands, which we wrote about years ago, and wearing a mask covering your nose and mouth in public have become generally accepted as two things we can do to slow the spread of the disease. There’s also socially distancing and self-imposed (as well as officially imposed) quarantine. We’re also told to not touch our faces or eyes. (And how’s that going for you?) Overall, wearing masks and hand washing are the two actions I have heard about the most.

We can’t really monitor the hand washing of anyone but ourselves, except by hearsay. So, when we talk with friends, we focus on masks. “I went to the grocery store and no one was wearing a mask.” “Don’t people know they have to cover their noses with the masks.”

Some people are apparently threatened by the request, if not the requirement, to wear a mask. And to some degree I understand. When I was seriously sick a few years ago, my immune system was destroyed and I was given a box of masks by the hospital and instructions to wear one in public. The idea made me feel like a laughingstock. So when I went to the doctor for a checkup I had one with me, but kept making up excuses (e.g., “no one is standing close to me”) not to put it on. While I’m pretty sure not wearing that mask isn’t why I ended up back in the hospital, I remember my reaction and have tried to be sympathetic when I’ve watched people wearing them. For example many people in Bangkok wear masks because of the air pollution. But I wasn’t going to wear one while in Bangkok. Masks looked presumptuous. And a bit silly. So I understand the threat to image or convenience that some people may be feeling as a reaction to wearing masks.

With COVID-19, for the first few weeks I managed avoid putting on a mask, supporting my decision with information questioning their usefulness. Remember, mask wearing wasn’t a mandate initially. But then a friend of a friend mailed to our house masks she had made for us. Now I had one that was cool! Plus, I finally read enough from experts who agreed that everyone should wear one.

In many places, it’s now illegal to not wear a mask in public, at least indoors.

So, wear a mask. The science and official health guidelines are clear. If we all wore a masks, we could stop the spread of this disease.

Pee meme for facemasks However mask wearing still seems to be a big deal, or perhaps no deal, for some. The guys at the car repair lot didn’t even pretend to wear them. There’s always someone who doesn’t have theirs on correctly. (Yes, the mask has to cover your nose as well as your mouth. Think about it.) There is still, or so I hear, outrage at the idea of wearing a mask from those who want to think the pandemic is a myth. And the overheard statement, “Why do you care if I wear a mask if you’re wearing one?”

For me wearing a mask to slow the spread of COVID-19 is the simplest and clearest way of showing how a small action affects us all. Lately, I have been reading daily descriptions from my friend Tiffany Hollums who had a fairly severe case of COVID-19 and still has terrible symptoms. To protect her husband, who had just had major surgery and was at high risk, and her immune compromised daughter, she checked into a hotel (courtesy of family and friends) to quarantine after three close contacts tested positive. After about 12 days, she began having trouble breathing with additional symptoms manifesting every day. It took 25 days before she was deemed not infectious. There had been no new symptoms for three days (the current definition of “cured”) and Tiffany could finally go home. (The other guideline is ten days after your first symptoms – whichever is longer.) But on Day 40, this is what she was experiencing: “brain fog, fatigue, high heart rate (tachycardia), nosebleeds, chest pain (painful to the touch), profuse sweating if I get tired, weird dizzy bouts where my ears seem to ring, breathing issues, purplish eyelids and blister-like things on my eyelids.” These are her words, from the battlefield so to speak, “I think the more time I get away from being really ill, the most challenging thing is reading what others say about coronavirus. People still say it’s a ‘hoax’ or ‘just like the flu’ but that’s not what my body knows. And I vacillate between frustration, disbelief, and genuine concern that these people will get sick and know in real life technicolor that this virus is real and doesn’t care if they don’t believe it. I don’t want anyone to experience that or to say something that causes others to be less careful and experience this virus. Not to mention the lasting effects—which worries me greatly for others.“

You don’t want this virus for yourself or others.

Wearing mask at grocery store Remember, the way to change the world is not to complain about those not wearing a mask. Change and, in this case, health, comes through our positive actions (see our last Conversation “Conundrum”). Wear your mask. Play with what it looks like if you wish. Here, people are wearing bandanas or masks printed with political and social statements. They are experimenting with different fabrics and sport the most high tech ones or the simplest masks they can find. There are shields on children (apparently these aren’t as effective, but still help). And, yes, socially distanced folk take their masks off to eat and drink.

A little thing that can change the world. Easy. Post a picture of you wearing yours!

___________________

Images from the top:

Masks for sale — Spirit Moxie
Urine Test Meme — Source Unknown
Facetime shot-connecting in quarantine-“[My daughter] proudly showing me her Animal crossing world she created with her daddy!” — Tiffany Hollums
B at Grocery Store — Harry Spirito

Plant

Posted on April 21, 2020 by B

Sometimes something is so obvious, you never notice it. This conversation began when a penny dropped for me, as they say, while a friend told me his neighbors had cut down the trees in their yard at the same time he was trying to make his own yard more friendly to birds, bees, and butterflies. It was a reminder that whether through greed, ignorance, or just plain habit, we seem to be increasingly hard on our physical world.

It was also a reminder that we can also respond positively to what is going on in our physical world. I’m writing during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic. We’ve been sheltering in place and practicing social distancing, but at the same time, we’re hearing stories of dolphins being sighted in the canals of Venice (apparently, according to Snopes, true, but not necessarily completely unusual) and reading reports of pollution levels dropping so much that the Himalayas are now visible in India. All of these stories and conversations have made at least some of us more aware of the effect humans have on the environment.

As my friend has modeled, one response to our environment is rather simple, really. One way to change the world, the physical world and not just the people in it, is to plant things. Anything. Plants help purify the air and produce oxygen; provide food; and modify temperatures. Plants are not only components of medicine (you did know that most medicine is plant based?), they actually promote health and healing just by being visible, by our looking at them. It has been shown that people who can see growing things, even pictures of growing things, have less stress and so heal faster and are healthier than those who don’t.

I hear more and more of my friends talking about feeling renewed through gardening. Even now, when the situation we are living with limits us to varying degrees, these gardeners are poring over seed catalogs, raising seedlings, and even looking forward to weeding. Apparently such actions can have a calming effect.

Oh, you say, that’s all very well. But I have physical limitations. Plus, you’re living where there’s a yard and I’m not. Plus, the friends you talk about have the resources to buy plants. Gardening can be expensive. So, this is easy for you.

Perhaps. But let’s take this move “Plant,” one step at a time. One small change-the-world-action at a time.

A major piece might involve planting trees. Last week the people I’m living with planted a new weeping cherry tree. They even paid nursery workers to come to the yard, dig the hole, and actually plant the tree. In non-social distancing times, I’ve been given tree seedlings on Earth Day (April 22nd). Another friend found information on the number of trees we might plant to replenish the atmosphere. This article from The Guardian offers a tree planting plan that eliminates the effect of about 2/3rds of our current emissions. Maybe we can’t plant that many trees individually, but the article does confirms that tree planting is a positive action!

But planting trees might be a bit extreme. What about other outside plantings, for example my friend’s invitation to butterflies, the tomatoes we used to grow on the deck, the vegetable garden with flowers around the edges at another friend’s house? What might work for you? Vegetables? Flowers? Reseeding the bare places on the lawn? Perhaps, when we’re no longer isolated, you could become part of a community garden that not only provides fresh food, but promotes community and reclaims land. Or can you put a window box on your apartment’s balcony to share the pleasure of greenery with those passing below?

Then there are plantings inside aka houseplants. Do you have any? (Some people claim no green thumb. One friend even tells of killing an artificial fern!) Any plant counts, for example the cactus I was given by a lover when I was on a business trip. (True story. He wanted to give me a plant rather than flowers.) The ubiquitous African violets and spider plants. Some herbs on the window sill.

Yes, some plants are dangerous to pets. Others may or may not affect air quality. But all plants contribute to our appreciation of and the importance of regularly seeing growing things. If you think you have no access to plants, consider experiments like the getting an avocado seed to sprout and grow. You put 3 toothpicks in it and suspend it in a glass of water and wait. A cheap version of that gift amaryllis which occasionally develops a life of its own. One friend has an amaryllis that has grown and bloomed for the last 24 years—lasting longer than her marriage or any of her pets. Other friends might have cuttings from philodendron that needed trimming – another plant that can begin its new life in a glass of water as it grows roots. Plus there are multiple kits, simple and complex, for herbs and vegetables that can grow inside.

So notice. Act. Look at the plants around you. Plant something. Change the world.

_______________________________________

Photo credits from the top:
Lettuce seedlings — Kate Cook
Gardeners — Jeff Dey
Tree planting — Spirit Moxie
The cactus 12 years later — Spirit Moxie
The amaryllis — Teich Technical and Marketing Communications

Use Libraries

Posted on February 1, 2018 by B

Today, it’s 34 degrees outside and it’s supposed to go down to freezing with accompanying ice and snow. I’m sitting at a nice table with electric outlets built-in for my computer and phone and decent wi-fi. In about 30 minutes, it will be time for me to pack up and walk back to where I’m staying to wait out the storm. I’m at my local library.

A month or so ago I picked up a cookbook here to confirm a couple of party recipes. Waiting for me where I’m staying is a mystery novel I borrowed from the library a couple of days ago. Maybe before I leave the library today I should look for a movie to keep my host happy? (For those of you who know me well, you know I’m kind of allergic to movies. But he adores them and if I pick the right one, I, too, can watch it!)

A couple of weeks ago, I arrived home from a holiday visit to my younger son and his family in San Francisco. What did I do in San Francisco besides spending time with them? I spent a lot of time at the main branch of the San Francisco Public Library. They have fabulous wi-fi and carrels that overlook beautiful public buildings. Plus it is within walking distance of my son’s apartment, so I got some exercise.

I confess that I’m addicted to libraries. But I suggest that even if you love buying books or even if you never read books, you should still 1) have a library card and 2) visit/use a library now and then. Why?

Most obviously libraries are a depository for books. Even the most ardent bibliophile occasionally needs information from a book they don’t own. Personally, I have borrowed books I had a vague interest in only to immediately buy said book when I realized its ongoing value for me. (Examples are Turbulent Mirror and Finding Your Way in a Wild New World.) Do you prefer audiobooks or books on your Kindle or other electronic reader? Libraries now lend materials in those formats as well. Really.

Right now I’m lucky enough to live in a city where the public library has one of the best collections in the United States, so I can almost always find that old odd reference, that juicy novel, or that strange new work discussed on a recent talk show. (OK, sometimes I’m on a waiting list for the last. But that works for me too.) Almost all libraries can borrow something for you from another library if it’s not part of their collection. If you have small children, borrowing books is an easy and inexpensive way to help instill a love of reading in them.

Do you still use CDs to listen to music? (I realize this is changing.) Libraries have a great array to lend. The movie addict mentioned above also collects CDs and finds new ones to enjoy at the library and so expand his listening. Love movies? Check out the DVD collection as mentioned above. (VHS tapes are available as well if your equipment is older.)

Maybe you just need space in which to work as I often do. My computer gleefully recognizes wi-fi in libraries in Cincinnati, San Francisco, and Seattle. I’m pretty sure there are two or three more library systems where I don’t need to sign in either. Plus, while at a library, like today, I’m not getting phone calls or being distracted by the demands of an office or home. If you prefer total privacy, some libraries even provide private study spaces with doors you can shut and lock.

Libraries are expanding and changing. Many libraries offer special interest groups, special events, and expanded services. For instance in Portland, Oregon, you can “borrow” a pass to get you into popular local museums and cultural sites in that city. The Cincinnati, Ohio, library system has “MakerSpace” where you can use equipment that ranges from block printing and sewing machines to a well-equipped sound booth to 3D printing. You can also publish and print books you have created yourself. (It is a library after all.) At some libraries, you can ask for and receive assistance in finding a job. Other libraries offer after school programs to help children with homework and teen centers where there are clubs, school assistance, or just space for hanging out away from parental-type adults. Additionally, some libraries offer meeting rooms, concerts, lectures, and “writer’s in residence” programs.

If you have trouble finding a book, need help or recommendations, or assistance in using the library’s computers or copy machines, just ask a librarian. Librarians are the most important resource in a library, Personally, I have seen librarians reading to groups of children, overheard one answering questions about patents, and have received help finding a book I could only describe in the vaguest of terms.

Last summer, the Cincinnati libraries, as did other libraries around the United States, lent eclipse glasses (supplied partly through funding by NASA), for viewing the almost total eclipse of the sun in a community event setting.

Libraries are warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and there are public restrooms. So, if you’re out and about and need a place to hang for a while, go in and grab the latest issue of your favorite magazine and find a chair, which is usually a very comfortable one, i.e., they are not all straight-backed and made of wood.

Unfortunately, today, in many places, library funding is in jeopardy, which may not seem important to you—until you need the services of a library or realize how a library can stretch your budget and resources. Interestingly it is a teen magazine that recently published an article on national funding for libraries and what you can do to help, no matter what your politics.

What have I missed? What is offered at your library? Send me a note next time you visit!

________________________________

All photos by Spirit Moxie. From the top:

Banners in the Main Library of The Public Library of Cincinnati and Hamilton County
View from the stacks and study carrel on the 5th floor of the Main Library, San Francisco Public Library
Inside the Central Library of The Seattle Public Library
Materials printed on a 3D printer
Music for the eclipse: flutist wearing eclipse glasses

Don’t Kill

Posted on December 14, 2017 by B

No Symbol Don’t kill. This is an obvious piece of what makes communities work. It is a not-so-little thing that makes a difference. When the massive shooting happened in Las Vegas, I said I couldn’t figure out how to write about “don’t kill,” and that’s still true. It’s also still true that “don’t kill” is on the original list of 100 things that can change the world.

We can start using “kill” in a universal sense to include actions like eating meat (does that count as killing?). We’ve also learned that plants react to being cut (as well as to sounds) so eating vegetables isn’t completely violence-free. Just sayin’. There are euthanasia, the death penalty, and other major discussion points related to “don’t kill.”

But in this post today, I’m defining “don’t kill”as simply one person killing another. We’ve recently witnessed at least two unexpected, and, so far, unexplained, mass shootings. There was the aforementioned violence in Las Vegas that was the initial impetus for this conversation. Five hundred or so people were injured and 58 killed in what was apparently a shooting spree that happened just because the gunman could. How do we respond to that? Then soon after, there was the Baptist church shooting in Texas.

An immediate response was a call to change gun laws, but that’s not the primary focus of our discussion here. The crucial point I want to discuss here is how do we personally react to anger and respond to violence in others — or in ourselves.

Why does this make a difference? I understand that you probably don’t have a direct connection to extreme violence. But think about violence just for a moment. Who I am and how I behave, who you are, and who we are together are the only places to begin mitigating violence. When we are less violent, even in our thoughts, the world is that much more peaceful. It is the positive chaos theory at work that began Spirit Moxie. And this goes back, I think, to our discussions of righteousness manifest in racial, class, and gender inequalities.

More relevantly, this take on “don’t kill” leads to discussions we haven’t had yet about how we respond to, or even think about, situations that don’t go our way. Anger? Greed? Frustration? And what of the things of which you are afraid? Are your thoughts violent? How do you react out of fear mentally as well as physically? What is safe? What violent response is fueled by alcohol or drugs? What violence begins through simply a need to feel important, to be in charge, or megalomania?

The true call to us all is to learn the whys and wherefores of our own reactions. This is where peace, non-violence, and an easier time all the way around begins. There are well known starting points for pursuing this:

Almost any meditation.
Yoga.
Deliberately concentrating on your breathing. (Try it now. Relax. Take a deep breath. Your stomach should expand on this one. Hold for at least a count of three. How does your body feel when expanded? Release slowly. Repeat as you have time.)
The writings of Martha Beck.
“The Work of Byron Katie” which is completely based on our relationship with our thoughts.

Share below what you have found and what methods work for you as you reduce violence, physical and mental, in yourself and in others.

On a recent trip I was lying on the floor waiting for a group meditation to begin. I’d snagged a pillow and a blanket. Perfect. Suddenly a soft voice said, “There’s a spider or something in your hair.” I felt a light touch and turned to look. Sure enough. A perfect dime-sized brown spider was on the pillow. Slim, brown fingers gently flicked it into a cupped hand, and I heard steps walking away to release it outside.

A lot of words for not having anything to say about “don’t kill.” But may we always deal with each other, and creation, as gently as the person who removed the spider.

Respect Time

Posted on August 10, 2017 by B

Antique clock Time. “Respect Time” was one of the items on the original “little things that can change the world” note cards. (You can find that original list here!) Since then I’ve discovered a whole new relationship with time, but this was the beginning. And so in the best tradition of describing something, and, as I have a tendency to quote Alice in Wonderland when discussing time:

‘Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?’ [the White Rabbit] asked.
`Begin at the beginning,’ the King said gravely, `and go on till you come to the end: then stop.’

“Respect time” simply made sense. In the world of the industrial revolution, which was the origin of our obsession with clock time, people are deemed more efficient and reliable if they arrive at a scheduled starting time, if they show up for appointments a bit early, and if events begin when they say they will. We talk about not having enough time, about time management as something that makes us more efficient, and about how we rely on public transit and event schedules and agreed upon work day hours,

But the “respect” part of this expectation usually comes from other people’s expectations. Does the Jones family want you at their house a few minutes early or, if you show up at the appointed hour, are you the first guest to arrive and the hosts are just hurrying upstairs to get dressed? I know of churches that always begin services “on time” and others where, if you wander in 15 minutes after the hour, you still have time to settle into your seat. The classic, and cliché-ish, examples depend on whether your meeting occurs in the corporate US world or in the Caribbean (where time seems, to me, to be a general suggestion).

Hourglass So “respect time” appears to mean different things to different people. “Don’t waste my time” is a classic response with it’s own memes and links in Google. For example someone named Karla Cheyenne has a board on Pinterest, that is apparently about relationships, called “Don’t Waste My Time.” Plus there are multiple Instagram links. (It seems that somewhere along the line, social media has become a standard for ideas and phrases.)

Which brings us back to why “respect time” is on the “little things that can change the world” list. Through our obsession about clock time, age, and time as a resource, time itself has become a major currency in our modern world. It’s part of experiments, surveys, and expectations. We talk about not feeling valued if people don’t respect our time. We talk about it as a limited resource. People talk time as equal to money and we are admonished to not waste it or allow others to misuse or demand it of you when it doesn’t work to your advantage. When I’ve spoken about changing people’s relationship to time, the immediate response is, “Oh, so you teach time management.” (The answer to that question is, “No!”, but that discussion comes later.)

People manage time in different ways. Before I could actually start using my first, triumphantly purchased, Franklin Planner, a colleague got me hooked on scheduling, and so managing time, with a Palm Pilot (remember those?). One friend keeps all his clocks set 20 minutes fast and claims this keeps him from being late. I’ve lived with someone who was always “late,” so you learned to work with that. I’ve lived with someone who never had to set an alarm clock and always woke up when he wanted to, even when it was off his usual schedule.

So, as we begin our discussion of time, which will be continued, probably as Facebook live posts, through Spirit Moxie’s new Facebook page Tango with Time, it’s important to remember to respect other people’s and your relationship with time. Remember your time is, in fact, yours. And so other people’s time is, in fact, theirs.

As hints of future posts, I’d like to leave you with two references. First, going back to Alice in Wonderland and the Mad Hatter’s discussion of time:

Alice sighed wearily. `I think you might do something better with the time,’ she said, `than waste it….

`If you knew Time as well as I do,’ said the Hatter, `you wouldn’t talk about wasting IT. It’s HIM.’

`I don’t know what you mean,’ said Alice.

`Of course you don’t!’ the Hatter said, tossing his head contemptuously. `I dare say you never even spoke to Time!’

`Perhaps not,’ Alice cautiously replied: `but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.’

`Ah! that accounts for it,’ said the Hatter. `He won’t stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o’clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons: you’d only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past one, time for dinner!’. . . .

`Is that the way YOU manage?’ Alice asked.The Hatter shook his head mournfully. `Not I!’ he replied. `We quarrelled last March–just before HE went mad, you know–‘ (pointing with his tea spoon at the March Hare,) `–it was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing

“Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you’re at!”

You know the song, perhaps?’. . . .

`Well, I’d hardly finished the first verse,’ said the Hatter, `when the Queen jumped up and bawled out, “He’s murdering the time! Off with his head!”‘

`How dreadfully savage!’ exclaimed Alice.

`And ever since that,’ the Hatter went on in a mournful tone, `he won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock now.’

Thank you Charles Dodgson aka Louis Carroll!

And finally here’s an unnamed poem I wrote sometime in the 1980s that has, for me, been haunting this conversation:

Melting Clock Time has a silly habit —
Not of Marching —
We expect the march of minute hands,
But of pausing,
too bored
too busy
to notice incongruity
Languishing into unexpected afternoons
and eons ’til yesterday.
Carefully timed, it refuses
confines —bursting into
alarms or daydreams —
punctuated by phone calls,
silence mocking announcements at
10 minute intervals

Last weekend threatened Spring,
but trees knew better
Only tiny flowers expecting frost
hinted summer

Time knows buds as well as buses
Birth, death,
and pendulums never moving
as the earth turns
and centuries vanish —
and a matchless universe
works to its own ends

So “see you later” when we’ll talk more about time. It will all be on time at the right time. Questions? Thoughts?

____________________________________

Images from the top:

Antique Clock — Spirit Moxie
Hourglass — Jamiesrabbits
Palm Pilot — Old Organizers Collection
Mad Hatter’s Tea Party — John Tenniel
Melting Clock (at the Grand Antique Mall) — Spirit Moxie

Spirit Moxie

Little Things That Can Change the World

Category Archives: Main Conversation