Finally, with the help of some friends I’ve never met and who I know only by their first names (or what they say are their first names), sent the Mariner in FarmVille 2 Country Escape away, having completed the quest. My score is still firmly in the middle in Gummy Drop!, which I keep playing because I do know the player ahead of me, even if I never see her these days—and because it is a puzzle. Both of these games are on my iPad. Because I’m currently computerless, two online friends are keeping Farm Town going on Facebook. (I met one of these friends once face to face although it is through the game we became friends.) And, there are 3 or 4 unknown people who clearly depend on me to play Pet Hotel on my phone. Plus certainly I need to play Sudoku, usually on the phone. Doesn’t that count as Alzheimer’s prevention?

I’m reading the most recent volume of J.A. Jance’s Beaumont mysteries having worked my way through the complete series. When I started writing this conversation there were six left! I have a very useful chronological list provided by a librarian without my even asking for it. I’m checking the books off as I go.

So, is this useful hibernating? Big time avoidance? Addiction? Pure laziness? Couldn’t I write more effectively about art or politics or give you another Dreams for the New Year update? Or is this a dreams update? To have my life boiled down to sitting on the floor with a cat next to me, “goofing off” on the iPad, interrupted by a walk to the mailbox. No, wait, I seem to keep forgetting to check the mail.

Of course, it isn’t always like this, but it seems as if it is more and more. Like most situations it becomes a question of whether am I learning anything during this period. Or, what am I avoiding? And [drum roll, please] where am I going? Plus, I realize I’m ignoring some core Spirit Moxie tenets.

First, I’ve forgotten that things should be easy. Even more basically, I’ve stopped continually claiming hope for my self and the world. Oh, I remember sometimes. But I’ve forgotten that it is in relaxing and play and just doing what’s in front of me that possibilities are created. My mentor Lissa Rankin talks about “the place between stories.” So, is this what it looks like to not  connect with my wine friends and to wonder when some lightning bolt will point to Seattle or Portland or some Cincinnati neighborhood to determine where I should live? Is it spending more money than I should for the first time in years without a back-up plan? Am I simply living in an “in between story,” whose significance will become clear later?

Or am I experiencing what Samantha Bennett calls a time of being fallow? In other words am I just allowing my life to be and rest in preparation for, well, whatever gets planted and grows? Spirit Moxie still feels like the right seeds. I know it’s a needed vision. But I’m not making the calls offering to do workshops, sending the emails asking others to write conversation posts, or seeking opportunities to speak. Why not, if it is so important? Where are my finished manuscripts? Or is it all just resting for a season.

Look! It’s raining! Isn’t it beautiful? There are new things to learn, which creates excuses for travel. I haven’t been in an airport for over a month. And I’ll probably go buy that computer I can’t afford. Perhaps sometimes dithering is what keeps us going.

If ease is the answer and being present is the road map that I keep foisting on everyone else, what am I called to right now? First not to beat myself up about it. And next? Well, there’s one thing to be handled in Country Escape. I’m waiting for two phone calls and a text re finances and plans. The book has been read, along with two more in a different series, so those must be returned to the library. We’ll see if replacements show up. A cat is demanding to be petted. And apparently I’ve dithered long enough and so am finishing writing this.

Hey—there’s the doorbell…

Addendum: The doorbell announced the delivery of the needed computer. I’m headed to the airport again. And I have finished something and — you’re reading this!!!! So where are you? Dithering? Journeying? Somewhere in between?

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Photos by Spirit Moxie. From the top:
iPad with game
book list
Sheddy, the black cat who has claimed me as temporary companion