“White people should talk to white people.”

I’ve been reading the reports of the slaughter in Charleston. I’ve joined in lifting those lives in prayer. I’m rather good at avoiding most news stories, so I searched the reports only long enough to make sure they apprehended the shooter. I also wondered, if it had been a less publicized event, would he have been caught as quickly?

I’ve read that some people claim this event is about race, some about religion, some about mental illness, others about gun control, and some about our denying white privilege. I’ve read that some politicians didn’t say enough, and they all pretty much said the wrong thing. And then there’s the issue of the Confederate flag flying on top of the courthouse, which apparently is an excuse for all of the above.

“It’s time for white folk to talk to their white brethren.”

OK. This challenge is mainly being made by people who are white. So I”m taking it on. If you aren’t white, you’re welcome to keep reading, and if you are, this is written for you. But I view this as an assignment.

I’m white. I’m also female, heterosexual, American, and over 21. None of these characteristics are by choice. These characteristics are part of my package along with naturally curly hair and a perverse tendency to see multiple sides of every issue. What I’ve learned is that there is great strength in claiming all of these things and that it is only from that place you can walk free.

However that freedom demands some things. First, you are free only if you admit you are a racist. Yup. Race affects all of us, black, white, big blue frogs (I have been haunted by Peter, Paul, and Mary all day). But to say, “I’m not a racist” simply isn’t true. Being color blind is not an asset. Thinking we’re all the same is a disservice to people who are a different race from you. You react to people based on skin color, speech patterns, and mannerisms. It’s part of living in this country at this time. You have been programmed and have a set of experiences based on news reports, the Internet, and that kid in school who wasn’t like you. It doesn’t necessarily make you bad or that this has to affect what you do. There is a difference between how you act and the “oh, shit” reflex in your mind or the unconscious (really) racist reactions we do (yes, we do) when we’d rather do better.

So, stop with the “I don’t want to go downtown because there are all those black people there.” Also stop with the finger pointing as if everyone else is getting it wrong, but you somehow have the whole, introspective truth. We’re fucking up, my white friends. We don’t really know how to treat each other across economic and racial divides. Or at least I don’t. And I bet I’m perceived as having a pretty good track record.

So we’re racist. OK? It’s no big deal if you actually see it. Because if you acknowledge it and can recognize it, you can help the world be honest and therefore more whole. Every time you say, “I’m not racist, I’m color blind” you lie to the universe and make the system worse. Really. It is also by claiming our own part of this that we can challenge and correct the institutionally racist systems that have been put in place while the truth is whitewashed on grounds of economic wisdom or public safety.

So that brings us to white privilege. You can also be free only if you admit you have it. All this means is that people see you as white and act accordingly. Does it mean you always get your own way? No. But it means that in the whole scheme of things, you’ll be less scrutinized. As a people (did you know we were a people?), society is rigged in our favor. It means that often the law will look at us more favorably; we will be given the benefit of the doubt more often; and  we’ll be given less hassle in the check-out line. We’ll need to show IDs less often. We’re more likely to be believed unquestionably.

However this doesn’t mean you’ll always get the job. It doesn’t mean things will always go your way. It means that while you go and do things without thinking about them, to our non-white neighbors, the same things are tasks and hurdles. Just watch.

My favorite story, which 1) I’ve been told not to tell and 2) is probably more about racism although I think it’s both about racism and white privilege, goes like this: There was a gang of kids who figured out that racism and white privilege was real. So the black kids went into the store and looked around and examined some stuff. The security people were on it and followed their every move. While this was going on, the white kids came in, took what they wanted, and walked out.

No, no. I’m not suggesting anyone do this. I just think it is a perfect example of how these systems work.

Ah, and then we get to the extremists, white purity, anarchists, Nazis, the KKK, etc. I think this again takes us to not claiming who we really are. As a white female whose maternal side came to Virginia before the Mayflower, I was eligible, according to my Aunt Dottie, to join both the Daughters of the American Revolution and the United Daughters of the Confederacy. My great-grandfather had slaves. And although I’m not happy about the slave part (family legend has it that he freed them—and so got cheap labor—before the emancipation), it is part of who I am. You know, I’ve been part of more discussions on race than I can count and I’ve NEVER heard anyone else admit that their family had slaves. But I digress.

The key here is, my white family, is that no one can hurt what you are except you. If your whole identity is threatened because some others are not like you, the problem, my friend, is you and not those others. So, if you want to keep the world “pure,” act pure. Marry people like you if you must, but violence is never, ever an appropriate response to identity.

The more important question is, are you happy? If anger and being vitriolic makes you feel important, self-righteous, and brave, where is the true joy? Take a minute. What is missing within you? If you know people like that, it is your call to somehow reach out and love them, even if they don’t seem lovable. Pray a bit. Help them find some other passions. I’m out of my league here, but I know that love and refocus is part of this. Of course, that’s easy for me to say…

However there is a piece of this that isn’t “out of my league.” And that piece is that I know it is important for us to band together to create a world where we know our self-worth, our God-given uniqueness, without it involving comparing ourselves to others. I’m not white because I’m better, different, or clueless. I’m white because that is what I am. The more we discover we can love ourselves and that love joyfully frees us to be ourselves, the more wholeness and love there will be for us all wherever you are within the conversation of race and our world.

Enough of midnight rambles. “White people need to talk to white people.” OK.

Your turn.