“Are you OK?” We had just agreed to cancel the Spirit Moxie/Living Consciously retreat scheduled for March 13-14 and my friend and ally Jane was being all pastoral. But I was fine. I realized we hadn’t started with built-in attendees and that the Christians to whom the retreat was aimed pretty much do things related only to their congregation. I’d tried all the “give this up” so a miracle could happen mind games and sent the numerous (or at least it felt like numerous) emails. But while miracles happen all the time, this wasn’t to be one of them. And Spirit Moxie isn’t explicitly churchy anyway — and isn’t meant to be.

But the major flaw to sharing Spirit Moxie seems to be that I am fine. No one is interested in that. People relate more to struggles and drama. I should still be in deep mourning for my partner Jim’s death. I should be angry at Jim’s family. (Sorry, guys, if you’re reading this. Call and I’ll explain.) I should be much more worried about my lack of income. As an only child with deceased parents, I should be constantly bereft. Heck, my own sons have the “of course Mom is OK, so if we don’t hear from her for a few weeks, it’s all good” mentality. Yes, I have kids. And a grandkid — but she’s in Bangkok until April and only two years old. So yes, I have family. And mostly, they’ll answer if I text or phone. But to be honest, I try not to bug them much either. So, I guess I should feel guilty too, right? I mean, a real mom talks to her kids at least once a week….

When I wrote the conversation post on Be Here Now, I was trying to convey the excitement, magic, and straight-up usefulness of being present. But we’ve gotten so immersed in struggle, sinfulness, being wrong, and the attack of the vagrancies of life, that unless you’ve recently fallen in love with someone who’s not a complete jerk or you’ve gotten a new job you’re not yet disillusioned about, we don’t want to hear about the positive. I mean drama is what life is really about, right?

I learned this last summer when I attended the World Domination Summit (WDS). There was a chance for five minute presentations and I envisioned challenging the whole conference with a couple of Spirit Moxie points and so change, at least a little bit, Portland: 1) Smile. 2) Say thank you to the people where you were staying. (Bonus points for thanking people who serve you in bars and restaurants.)

But not a glimmer of interest was expressed in my presenting this. Listening to the other five minute spiels, I realized I had the wrong hook. What people wanted to hear is how I worked for years doing what others thought I should do rather than anything I wanted to do. And working in those jobs, while I learned a lot, was draining and, simply, wrong.

But Spirit Moxie is what I’m supposed to do. It is proof that one can follow one’s true self to where one is called.  However, because “I learned a lot” is my personal take-away from the above, I didn’t even think of the “I finally am following my true call” slant until I listened to the other stories told at WDS. People want to know the stories about how you weren’t OK and what you did about it.

So living in the now has it’s disadvantages if only because there aren’t words that truly express the light and excitement and joy.

Yes, sometimes being present backfires because your mind will still wander.  Most recently, I found myself feeling lonely. See the above re family for some details. Add in living completely alone for the first time ever and not having a daily, regular job to provide structure and support. And then there’s the longing for more peer support for Spirit Moxie. People write about mastermind groups, but where do you find one?

A couple of weeks ago I attended an awesome workshop at Kripalu on leading transformational workshops. To my surprise I found myself participating easily in the big group and generally felt confident I was in the right place. Being present was working! However the whole “loneliness” conversation kept recurring. No one to sit with in the dining room. My being the one to approach others in the cafe. On Wednesday I gave a mini Spirit Moxie workshop to a couple of people which worked well. But somehow in the group feedback, while those participating shared their experience, I heard that my “event” had been superficial and found myself feeling unvalidated, old, and so forth. As we were asked if there was anything else to share, I found myself sobbing and sobbing with no words — except to finally share the lonely theme and confess I looked for others for validation. It is said in group process wisdom that someone needs to break by Wednesday afternoon, so I joked I was glad to save anyone else the trouble. But through that meltdown and the time that followed, loneliness just stopped being part of my conversation. It didn’t even make sense any more. And I also learned I do awesome retreats. You should schedule one.

I could explain more about that brokenness, but I don’t really have time. Today’s Monday and I was planning a solo walk and breakfast, but instead got a call to see the inside of a house a friend just bought in the neighborhood. And of course we went for coffee afterwards. And then, there was the text from my son asking if by any chance I could take care of their dog for a while because he had to work late. And I could stop by his restaurant for a salad and a glass of wine afterwards. Glad my time to talk with Jane about what’s next with Spirit Moxie got moved to Wednesday…

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Photos from top:

Me playing at the Kripalu workshop
— Joleen Mahoney Roe, Mothers Healing Together, Aug. 7-9, 2015
The grandkid in Bangkok — Tukta Sedgwick
Kripalu classroom — Jim White
Coffee and Scones with a friend — Spirit Moxie
You want me on your lap, right? — Spirit Moxie
Jane & Sally selfie